The Wedding

I hate blogs that sugar coat everything and as you are reading them you are both envious of their "perfect" life and then also skeptical that it is all real. I have also been trying to figure out what I want to do with this blog space - I love to write. In fact, I have been working on a book. It is probably shit, but it is fun and who knows, maybe eventually I can make something of it. I love telling stories, especially about what happens in my crazy life. I especially like to write about my stories, because I tend to keep a lot to myself in the moment, because I can be an introvert in that way, but I still want to be able to share my thoughts and my stupid sense of humor on things that happen to and around me.

So, that still leaves me with a problem. I originally started this blog for when I was living far away from my family and friends and I was pregnant with Gavin and wanted to keep everyone in the loop of what was going on. Well, now there is facebook, and texting, and facetime and I feel like, why in the world do I need yet another space to shove my life in everyone's faces?! Well, I don't know...but I kind of like that I do have this here, so I guess I need to think of something or some reason to keep it going?

Anyways, back to the whole sugar coating and skepticism part. I am trying to catch up and cover the "big" events over the last year. And obviously, our wedding was a big part of last year. It was one of the best days I have ever had in my entire life. Hands down. I have SO many amazing memories that I literally can still smile/laugh/cry about when I think of them. I love scrolling through the pictures of that day, well, most of them ;) I love that a big part of the day was "undocumented" so that it only lives in our memories. I love how every time I talk about it with friends, I learn or remember something new about that day/night/weekend. I love that it brought together all of my mom's side of the family, and that I got to have one last hug with my Uncle who later passed away. I love that the entire planning of the wedding was practically zero stress. I knew what I wanted, and knew what I didn't and it was as easy as that. I had great help, and amazing support! I love that all of my closest girl friends were there with me and that despite all their differences in personality, preferences and backgrounds, we all get a long great and have a BLAST.

That is the truth. I don't feel like it is sugar coated. Not one bit. But it doesn't include everything. It doesn't include the fact that the year leading up to the big day was hands down the most challenging year of marriage we have had yet. We had SO much change in our first two years of being home. Obviously the tear drop in the pond was Kathy passing away, and then every ripple that came from that seemed to be harder and bigger than the last. There were nights when I would laugh/ugly cry at the fact that I was planning a wedding. It was literally laughable. How hard things were, and I was planning a wedding? What the...

It was around this time when I saw a saying about marriage floating around on facebook. About how marriage is ugly. And I needed that. I knew that my variation about that were going to be my new wedding "vows." So I re wrote it and changed it. I knew I wouldn't ever be able to read it without crying too much the day of, so I had my dad read it. Which, made it that much more special. My parents were aware of how much I was struggling with just everything that was happening in life at the time, and what I didn't tell them, they could sense. But it was important for me to let them know too, that marriage is hard and some times it sucks a bag of dicks, but it is SO worth it and it is WORTH fighting for. Marriage is so much more...

"Marriage is ugly, you see the absolute worst in someone. You see them when they’re mad, sad, being stubborn, when they’re so unlovable they make you throw things or turn into a passive aggressive monster. But you also get to see them when they are laughing so hard tears run down their face and they can’t breathe and start to wheeze which just makes it worse.

You see them when the world is asleep except for you two, and you’re watching sappy videos on the internet embarrassingly crying together, or I mean both having something stuck in your eye.

It’s sacrifice, it’s working long hours, it’s going to war, it’s waiting at home, It’s those spine shivers when you think they aren’t watching, It’s snorting while laughing, it’s the curse words whispered under your breath, it’s the tears when it feels like it’s all crashing down, it’s the “full moons”, it’s the crazy hair and coffee-breath, it’s the dark circles under your eyes, it’s immeasurable loss, and unbearable grieving, it’s the wonder of new life and the indescribable joy.

Marriage isn’t beautiful, but it is amazing.

It’s knowing that someone loves you so much they vowed to love you at your worst, when you least deserve it. It’s knowing that they are on your side and have your back no matter what. It’s being safe and at home in their embrace. It’s the comfort of their familiar smell, and touch.

It's fights over stupid things, like someone not doing the dishes or picking up after themselves. Its nights where you fall asleep angry and wake up angrier, it’s the silent treatment, and the never-ending talking. And it’s those nights that you fall asleep in each others arms, feeling like there will never be enough time with them. It’s wishing you met them sooner to have had that much more time together, It’s making them soup when they are sick, or just rubbing their back when they’re sore. It’s the most perplexing, hardest most rewarding job there is. Because at the end of the day you get to look them in the eye tell your best friend, the weirdest, most annoying, loving, caring, silliest, funniest, perfect person you know, that “I love you, and you are mine.”

Marriage is not beautiful, it is so much more."