So, here I am, a Mother on Mother's Day.

So, I've been slowly chipping away at this post since Mother's Day this year. For some reason, I just felt like I needed to write it, not for anyone really, but for me to read in the years to come, or to look back on when I wondered how I felt. It is personal, overly dramatic and selfish, and who knows, maybe something I shouldn't post, but f*ck it. 

Every year around Mother's Day I get emotional thinking about my children and how drastically my life has changed since becoming a mother. You have no idea how your life is going to change. Not just once you see that positive sign on the pregnancy test, but when you hear their first cry after surgery or delivery. With each child, the feeling was the same but very different. With Gavin, I remember this overwhelming emotion, literally every single feeling you could possibly have all at once and it was intoxicating and almost suffocating at the same time; all I could do was cry, in fact I still do simply thinking about it. When Kjerstin was born, obviously the same amount of love and those emotions were there but there wasn't quite as much as the fear and the unknown, it was more...peaceful I guess would be the best way to describe it, and maybe more relief because I had just pushed her out, where as with Gavin I was strapped to a table (maybe that was the suffocating part). But that love that you feel, that feeling of without-a-blink-of-an-eye-or-second-thought-would-go-to-the-ends-of-the-world-to-make-your-child-happy feeling is like a high you get every time you look into their eyes.

Not only with Mother's Day coming, but just with being an exhausted stay at home mom, I have been thinking A LOT of what it is to be a mom for me right here and now. Some days I am ripping at the seams with love and happiness and other days I feel like Golum from Lord of the Rings and want to hiss at the daylight and hide away in my cave. I was trying to explain how I felt to Ryan the other day, and I just couldn't come up with the words to express how utterly frustrating it can me sometimes.

What you don't know, when you become a mom, is that you, as you remember yourself, and how you used to view yourself, and who you used to think you were, doesn't exist anymore. She is gone. And they don't tell you that sometimes that it feels like you, as a person, don't matter. They don't tell you that you forget you had hopes and dreams unrelated to your children, or your spouse. They don't tell you that it is lonely. You are building this family, this home and sometimes you feel completely alone. Sometimes, you feel trapped, and you know that your soul is in there somewhere screaming to be let free, but you can't. Sometimes you want to scream, "WHAT ABOUT ME?!" But then, you immediately feel guilty for even having had that thought. I know that it is easy to fall into those traps because that is where I find myself a lot in my current fork of the road in motherhood. One day I feel elated like I am right where I belong in life, and the next I feel like I have let myself down that I haven't done enough.

Everything you do revolves around everyone else but yourself. You wake up when the kids wake up, if not before to do things to prepare for them waking up, you cook/eat what they eat. You watch and play what they watch and play. You focus on what they need, what they are supposed to be learning. You worry. Oh you worry, about EVERYTHING. Are they healthy, are they smart, are they safe, are they breathing (newborn moms know) are they happy, are they normal, are they sad, are they hurt, are they...it goes on and on and on. The worry itself is exhausting enough to feel spent for the entire day, but that is just one sliver. It is so hard to find balance, to make any kind of time for yourself. And that is why I am here, at 12:01am when I am exhausted and should be sleeping. 

Another really difficult part of becoming a mom is the transition from creating a miracle and feeling like "wonder woman" to being "just a mom." When you literally grow a human using nothing but your own body, you feel it growing and moving inside you, and then deliver this baby, this miracle, and witness its first breath, its first cry, everything else in the world seems insignificant, and minute. How can you ever have an appropriate perspective to anything anymore? It's hard to relate after that. It's hard to relate to anyone who doesn't have children, not because you are all of a sudden "better" than them, or because you do not want to, but because you struggle to find anything in common anymore. Everything changes.

So, this post is depressing, and that's okay. And maybe that's why I didn't post this on Mother's Day; but it is a part of motherhood that does deserve to be acknowledged. Maybe on the days when I am feeling digustingly elated and full of love, I will write about how amazing it is and I can express to the world how bipolar I feel when it comes to parenting.

Kjerstin is 5 months today!

It is simply amazing to me how fast the time flies for your second child. I cannot even believe she is 5 months old already! It feels like she should still be 8 weeks, haha!! 

This little girl is going to keep me on my toes. She is rolling all over the place and I think she will skip crawling all together and go straight to walking. She has zero pleasure in being on her tummy, but the second she gets placed on her back she rolls over to her tummy? Then fusses? Why!? Haha!!! 

Kjerstin LOVES her brother, all he has to do is talk to her and she is all giggles. He gets her to laugh more than anyone else, I love it. She looks at him like he is the greatest person in the world, I didn't even know you could look at someone with so much love and adoration, it melts my heart!!! He loves her too, he is always concerned about her and loves to give her kisses. He also loves it when she can watch him play, "Sissy, too?" he asks!

Poor Odin is getting the balls chopped off tomorrow, happy 5 month birthday to him! Hahaha. Poor baby. He is getting HUGE. I am curious as to how much he weighs, I am getting 60lbs maybe? More? He has such a pleasant disposition, such a lover he is. He loves to cuddle and is the clumsiest dog I have ever ever met. Bless him. Hahaha.

We started harvest last Thursday, so Ryan and Papa Tractor are very busy, and I might end up driving the combine a few days a week. Should be interesting ;)

Kjerstin's first time at the river.

This picture cracks me up. Gavin looks crazy.

Loves eating her toes!

Month 4, and much more!

Ive been soooooooooo bad at keeping this up to date! Gah.

Kjerstin is four, nearly five months old! Wowza. She is rolling all over the place and LOVES her brother. Everything he does is highlarious to her. He can get her giggling more than anyone! She follows him with her eyes whenever he is around her. It makes my heart happy.

Kjerstin loves sleeping in (hmm, shindig she get that from???), hates tummy time, but rolls onto her tummy as soon as she is placed on her back, loves her brother, hangs on every word of her daddy, and prefers to be held and cuddled by mama. 

Gavin is growing up so much. His personality is really getting to be his own and he is so funny. He comes up with the most random stuff. One day he came in from checking our irrigation circles with Ryan and said, "I just work and play hard,

Mom." Hahaha, okay then. He loves to play with other kids and is getting really good at interacting with them (appropriately). His memory is mind blowing. He knows what directions are what in the car and where we turn means where we are going, for example if I turn left at a certain intersection he knows we are going to nana and papa's. Funny kid.

Ryan and I are keeping very busy! We have had every weekend full with random trips, projects or get togethers. It's been so great to be back home to be able to get together with family more often and spend time with our friends who we haven't been able to get together with consistently in years.

Here are some photos from the past month or so!

Gavin asked to hold her and then looked at me and said, "Mom, take a picture!!"

Icecream in the car isn't the best idea.

Sissy' first swimsuit and trip to the river!

We spent the 4th at my besties Sara's house with some of our other close friends. Gavin had a lot of helpers providing him with sparklers. This was right before he grabbed the hot end after it went out. Poor guy!! He called the fireworks "POWERS!" And referred to the colors as, "America!!!!"

Happy girl 💗

Photo dump...more to come!

Maybe icrecream in the car wasn't the greatest idea😩

I NEVER get this anymore!!!!

First river trip 

4th at Sara and Adam's

LOL I had a cavity filled. Looks like I had a stroke. Not that strokes are funny ;)

Tot School...Am I becoming one of THOSE parents??

So, there are obviously many ups and many downs for my kids being able to have a stay at home parent. As Gavin is getting into the toddler years and soon, *weep* into the preschool age I am getting more and more concerned with his social and brain/skills development. He gets a lot of 1:1 time with me and our family which is great, but he also doesn't have as much of a structure that he might get from a pre pre k daycare or Montessori type school. Ryan and I are both firm and united on the fact that kids should be kids as long as possible. I do not want Gavin to grow up and faster than he already is, but at the same time I do not want him to get behind, or not even that but not live up to his full potential. This is why I have been working on his at home "Tot School" program thingy. 

I have been doing a ton of research on homeschool programs, Christian school programs, kindergarten requirements and pre school curriculums and have been having fun customizing it to meet our needs. I am in no way finished, still very much in the beginning stages of this but I figure it will satisfy my needs for a goal and organization and Gavin's yearn for learning in a way that is loosely structured but disguised as play and fun. 

I'm excited to share what I come up with! And most importantly if I actually feel like it is working :) More to come!

Three month update and family happenings...

These past few months have seemed to both drag and fly by. On one hand, it feels like Kjerstin has been here forever and on the other I cannot believe she is already three (now almost four) months old. She is still a really good baby, but man oh man has she been releasing her diva side. She is a Mama's Girl to the extreme. I am usually the only one that can get her to sleep, and I have to hold her a certain, way, on her right side, at a particular angle swaying a particular direction all while bouncing and patting her butt. It is a process. Seriously. Princess. 

She is happy 99% of the time, but that 1% is insanity. She goes from 0-100 with absolutely no warning.

I've been super busy, I "designed" the t-shirts for our Vacation Bible School this year, and then I am helping out with our library's summer reading program (which starts next week). We are planning a trip over to the Seattle area as well which I am REALLY looking forward to. I enjoy living in the country (mostly) but I am itching to get back in the city for a bit.

There has been some kind of illness floating around town and unfortunately we got it. It started with me, and I just had a terrible headache and fatigue. I thought it was just a migraine until Ryan got sick with a headache and sinus like pressure and then I noticed Gavin wasn't feeling well yesterday and today he was really under the weather (he sat still for six hrs. that has never happened, ever). He was running a low grade fever this evening and it just breaks my heart when they get sick :( Poor guy!

Gavin and Odin...my my how he has grown!

Don't even look at me, I'm hideous!

Father's Day 2014

Painting...

So back in December, on the 11th actually, the first full day after we moved back, Ryan and I went and bought paint for our house. We had our hopes set high that we would be able to paint the house (at least the major rooms, living room, laundry/bathroom area, and kitchen) before our furniture arrived. Well, due to several factors, we got delayed. Very delayed on the painting. We finally got our living room/laundry and bathroom done though and of COURSE I did not take before photos. But, I can show you a picture of a different room that hasn't been painted yet the colors it used to be. It was a very dark chocolate brown and a very pumpkiny orange tan. It was a bachelor bad. The dark brown wasn't too bad, it just wasn't the best choice for this particular house. It made it feel very dark and closed in. The orange though was just terrible, and it was actually not even the color Ryan had been originally going for, but once you have bought 15 gallons it's too hard to turn back...

The new colors are a very light gray (afternoon shadow I think) and then a very light powdery turquoise blue in the bathroom. I wanted the colors to be soothing and welcoming. I am extremely happy with how the turned out and it was exactly how I envisioned it!

My dad and Ryan and I did the first three rooms and then the trim and kitchen sat in the old paint for far to long and I finally got tired of it and one day decided to start the project. Doing this with a toddler and a newborn wasn't exactly the best choice but it had to be done. Then I finally got the trim mostly finished about two weeks ago. The last major room that I had to finish was the kid's room. That orange had to go. I finally finished that up last week and I am finally feeling a little more settled. I really need to paint the office and guest room and our master and master bath, but I am not in as big of a rush for those. Maybe on a summer night when my parents can watch the kids I can tackle that project.

I can now move on to actually decorating, which I have slowly started to do. It feels SO nice to actually put roots down and be able to make this place our own. I know we won't live in this house forever, as we have plans to either buy or build relatively soon, but this place is still ours for now, and I have the freedom to actually make it look the part.

(Please excuse the mess too! Between painting and having a teething puppy where everything has to be up and out of reach and having a toddler where everything is out and at reach...it's a bit of a madhouse around here!)