It's been 2 weeks, 9 hrs and 8 minutes since you left us. Supposively I am going to go through five different stages of grief, but I feel like I am feeling all of them at the same time. I can't believe you are gone. I refuse to believe it. I am angry that it is true. I would do anything for one more minute, for one more anything. I keep asking, "Why?" Why you? Why now? Why me? Just, fucking why?!
The past 2 weeks have been pretty close to hell. People ask, "How are you doing?" Knowing it's a loaded question; they just want to know that I am ok. That we are ok. What I want to say, is "Well, I am living in hell, my life is a living nightmare, other than that, doing great. I have seen things that I cannot unsee. I have heard screaming and wailing that I cannot unhear. I have felt emotions that are too much."
I wish I could send this letter to you and get a response back. There are just so many things I want to know; that I need to know. Things like, your final minutes, were you scared? Did you know? What were you thinking? I just can't get the image of you panicking, knowing what was happening, trying to fix it out of my head. The terror I have imagined on your face haunts me every time that I close my eyes. Of all people, I know you were ready to accept your walk with Jesus at any moment, but I just feel like it was a mistake, you were taken too soon.
Everyone keeps saying, "Thank God you have your children. They will keep you going." Yes. True. Especially given the light that they were supposed to be with you, Dad. But, I can't grieve with them needing me all the time. They are so little, I don't want them to know or experience such pain. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, let alone my sweet babies. I have to move on, make a routine, find a normal again, regardless of what I need to do to grieve. So, yes, they are right. I am so thankful my babies are here, alive and healthy. But, sometimes I don't need something to keep me going. Sometimes I need to stop. I need to stop and cry and scream and throw things. But I can't do that with my kids around. They say, "Take time to yourself to grieve." When? How? I have two toddlers.
We spread your ashes this past weekend. They were beautiful spots. But I didn't fully participate because I wasn't ready to do it. I didn't want to do it yet. I wasn't then and I am not now, ready to say goodbye to you. And now I have to do that without your ashes, because I wasn't ready yet. All I can think of to say is that I love you and please come back.
There is some greater purpose in this; I know there is, I can feel it. I have a haunting feeling I know what it is, but I want to be wrong so bad. I wish you could tell me, I just want to understand. I have had so much heartache in my short time on this Earth. I wish that God could just this once enlighten me so that it can take one small burden off of my chest.
I know we need to move forward, but forward means without you. I don't want that. Everything is now before Dad died and after dad died. There is a stark divide in our time, in our reality. Before & After. Every inch my kids grow will be a reminder of how long you have been gone. Everything, or everyone new, will be just that: new. They will not have known you. That breaks my heart.
Each day, I wake up, wishing I could lay in bed all day. I wake up, and realize the pain in my chest hasn't gone away. I realize, that you are still gone. I have panic attacks, because I fear that at any given time someone I love is going to die. Why shouldn't I think that? It has happened twice in two years. In more than not, the worst case scenario has happened in most aspects of my life over the past three years. Knowing these things makes it hard to breathe. It is exhausting constantly preparing for the worst. My optimism is dwindling.
I am treading the water, I know that somehow we will get through this. I just wish we didn't have to be here like this. I just wish you were here. I love you.
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
Wednesday, May 4, 2016
The Wedding
I hate blogs that sugar coat everything and as you are reading them you are both envious of their "perfect" life and then also skeptical that it is all real. I have also been trying to figure out what I want to do with this blog space - I love to write. In fact, I have been working on a book. It is probably shit, but it is fun and who knows, maybe eventually I can make something of it. I love telling stories, especially about what happens in my crazy life. I especially like to write about my stories, because I tend to keep a lot to myself in the moment, because I can be an introvert in that way, but I still want to be able to share my thoughts and my stupid sense of humor on things that happen to and around me.
So, that still leaves me with a problem. I originally started this blog for when I was living far away from my family and friends and I was pregnant with Gavin and wanted to keep everyone in the loop of what was going on. Well, now there is facebook, and texting, and facetime and I feel like, why in the world do I need yet another space to shove my life in everyone's faces?! Well, I don't know...but I kind of like that I do have this here, so I guess I need to think of something or some reason to keep it going?
Anyways, back to the whole sugar coating and skepticism part. I am trying to catch up and cover the "big" events over the last year. And obviously, our wedding was a big part of last year. It was one of the best days I have ever had in my entire life. Hands down. I have SO many amazing memories that I literally can still smile/laugh/cry about when I think of them. I love scrolling through the pictures of that day, well, most of them ;) I love that a big part of the day was "undocumented" so that it only lives in our memories. I love how every time I talk about it with friends, I learn or remember something new about that day/night/weekend. I love that it brought together all of my mom's side of the family, and that I got to have one last hug with my Uncle who later passed away. I love that the entire planning of the wedding was practically zero stress. I knew what I wanted, and knew what I didn't and it was as easy as that. I had great help, and amazing support! I love that all of my closest girl friends were there with me and that despite all their differences in personality, preferences and backgrounds, we all get a long great and have a BLAST.
That is the truth. I don't feel like it is sugar coated. Not one bit. But it doesn't include everything. It doesn't include the fact that the year leading up to the big day was hands down the most challenging year of marriage we have had yet. We had SO much change in our first two years of being home. Obviously the tear drop in the pond was Kathy passing away, and then every ripple that came from that seemed to be harder and bigger than the last. There were nights when I would laugh/ugly cry at the fact that I was planning a wedding. It was literally laughable. How hard things were, and I was planning a wedding? What the...
It was around this time when I saw a saying about marriage floating around on facebook. About how marriage is ugly. And I needed that. I knew that my variation about that were going to be my new wedding "vows." So I re wrote it and changed it. I knew I wouldn't ever be able to read it without crying too much the day of, so I had my dad read it. Which, made it that much more special. My parents were aware of how much I was struggling with just everything that was happening in life at the time, and what I didn't tell them, they could sense. But it was important for me to let them know too, that marriage is hard and some times it sucks a bag of dicks, but it is SO worth it and it is WORTH fighting for. Marriage is so much more...
"Marriage is ugly, you see the absolute worst in someone. You see them when they’re mad, sad, being stubborn, when they’re so unlovable they make you throw things or turn into a passive aggressive monster. But you also get to see them when they are laughing so hard tears run down their face and they can’t breathe and start to wheeze which just makes it worse.
Marriage is not beautiful, it is so much more."
So, that still leaves me with a problem. I originally started this blog for when I was living far away from my family and friends and I was pregnant with Gavin and wanted to keep everyone in the loop of what was going on. Well, now there is facebook, and texting, and facetime and I feel like, why in the world do I need yet another space to shove my life in everyone's faces?! Well, I don't know...but I kind of like that I do have this here, so I guess I need to think of something or some reason to keep it going?
Anyways, back to the whole sugar coating and skepticism part. I am trying to catch up and cover the "big" events over the last year. And obviously, our wedding was a big part of last year. It was one of the best days I have ever had in my entire life. Hands down. I have SO many amazing memories that I literally can still smile/laugh/cry about when I think of them. I love scrolling through the pictures of that day, well, most of them ;) I love that a big part of the day was "undocumented" so that it only lives in our memories. I love how every time I talk about it with friends, I learn or remember something new about that day/night/weekend. I love that it brought together all of my mom's side of the family, and that I got to have one last hug with my Uncle who later passed away. I love that the entire planning of the wedding was practically zero stress. I knew what I wanted, and knew what I didn't and it was as easy as that. I had great help, and amazing support! I love that all of my closest girl friends were there with me and that despite all their differences in personality, preferences and backgrounds, we all get a long great and have a BLAST.
It was around this time when I saw a saying about marriage floating around on facebook. About how marriage is ugly. And I needed that. I knew that my variation about that were going to be my new wedding "vows." So I re wrote it and changed it. I knew I wouldn't ever be able to read it without crying too much the day of, so I had my dad read it. Which, made it that much more special. My parents were aware of how much I was struggling with just everything that was happening in life at the time, and what I didn't tell them, they could sense. But it was important for me to let them know too, that marriage is hard and some times it sucks a bag of dicks, but it is SO worth it and it is WORTH fighting for. Marriage is so much more...
"Marriage is ugly, you see the absolute worst in someone. You see them when they’re mad, sad, being stubborn, when they’re so unlovable they make you throw things or turn into a passive aggressive monster. But you also get to see them when they are laughing so hard tears run down their face and they can’t breathe and start to wheeze which just makes it worse.
You see them when the world is asleep except for you two, and
you’re watching sappy videos on the internet embarrassingly crying together, or
I mean both having something stuck in your eye.
It’s sacrifice, it’s working long hours, it’s going to war,
it’s waiting at home, It’s those spine shivers when you think they aren’t
watching, It’s snorting while laughing, it’s the curse words whispered under
your breath, it’s the tears when it feels like it’s all crashing down, it’s the
“full moons”, it’s the crazy hair and coffee-breath, it’s the dark circles
under your eyes, it’s immeasurable loss, and unbearable grieving, it’s the wonder
of new life and the indescribable joy.
Marriage isn’t beautiful, but it is amazing.
It’s knowing that someone loves you so much they vowed to
love you at your worst, when you least deserve it. It’s knowing that they are
on your side and have your back no matter what. It’s being safe and at home in
their embrace. It’s the comfort of their familiar smell, and touch.
It's fights over stupid things, like someone not doing the
dishes or picking up after themselves. Its nights where you fall asleep angry
and wake up angrier, it’s the silent treatment, and the never-ending talking. And
it’s those nights that you fall asleep in each others arms, feeling like there
will never be enough time with them. It’s wishing you met them sooner to have
had that much more time together, It’s making them soup when they are sick, or
just rubbing their back when they’re sore. It’s the most perplexing, hardest
most rewarding job there is. Because at the end of the day you get to look them
in the eye tell your best friend, the weirdest, most annoying, loving, caring, silliest,
funniest, perfect person you know, that “I love you, and you are mine.”
Marriage is not beautiful, it is so much more."
Monday, April 18, 2016
This One is For You, Sadie!
Here I am! I am back! I am alive ;)
How do you even start a blog post after ONE ENTIRE YEAR!? I mean, K is two, G is four, how in the world can I fit in the last year to one post? Hmm...
(brb, going to refresh myself on what I last wrote. Also, side note, after the "RePhresh" commericals, I have to correct myself spelling the word "refresh" every single time. It's pathetic)
Okay, so, we left off with the Christmas vacation from almost hell. But, you guys, if I had ONLY known. If I had ONLY known, just how much worse it could have gotten... So, fast forward 11 months, it's now Thanksgiving of 2015. We planned, much earlier on, for another trip to North Carolina. We were prepared, it was going to be great! The timing wasn't the best, as my brother-in-law was still finishing up a field exercise and we weren't quite sure when he would be able come home to join us but alas, it was still just as nice to visit with his wife and of course play with cousin Alma! We got in later in the afternoon the first day and had time for a really quick visit to say hi and then retired to our rooms at the hotel. We all went to sleep, relatively well considering we have two toddlers that aren't the best sleepers. I woke up to K starting to cry and then the sound of choke/coughing/gagging. She was throwing up, everywhere. I have NEVER until this point in my motherhood experience had a puking child. Call it fate, call it whatever, but never have I had to deal with vomit or even diarrhea that wasn't in a diaper.
It was milky and it was chunky but most disgutingly it was all over the sheets, pillows and floor in a stuffy motel room that our entire family was sharing. It was horrible. K threw up once, I got her changed and bathed and she was seemingly fine? Fell right back to sleep like nothing happened. (my nose knew otherwise)
I felt so bad for the housekeeping, I tried to ball up the soiled linens and set them by the door. I gave lots of warnings in the morning. She was the sweetest lady and just wanted to make sure our baby felt better.
So, reluctantly we went over to our family's house and just kept an eye on her. I hated the idea of spreading germs, but at this point, we had all been in close proximity to her, and I wasn't about to fly across the US to be stuck in a hotel room (unless it was absolutely necessary of course). She was fine the rest of the day. Didn't eat much, but she tends to do that anyways. I thought it was the milk she had, (I mean, it is the south...) so I threw it away and bought another. We were completely fine the next night.
But then, the night after next, shit hit the fan. No, vomit hit it. It hit us all, all of except Ryan. G was puking, K was puking, I was puking. Poor G hasn't ever thrown up before, and he is old enough to want to know what the hell is happening to his body. He was a mess. Ryan was gagging at the smell, I wanted to die. K was happy go lucky until she was releasing the sour milk smelling vomit our of her mouth. There was crying from Gavin, "GET ME TO A TOILET, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME!!!!" There was running back and forth to the one and only CONNECTED bathroom that opens right up into the room was are all SLEEPING in. There was tears. There was gagging. There was the smell. I literally gagged remembering it just now.
We woke up the next morning like a train full of hobos hit our room. We smelled like a hobo. We looked like one. And at that point, I wish I was one. The kids, they were totally fine. It was like what had happened last night, that nightmare, was just that, a nightmare. Like it didn't even happen. But it did folks. It did.
I didn't even want to make eye contact at this point with anyone in the hotel, let alone the poor poor woman who was going to be cleaning our room that morning. I tried. I tried to contain the mess, but there is only so much you can do. I wanted to melt into a puke puddle myself and just flush myself down the toilet. But, we got the same housekeeper again, and either she is really good at faking it, or she genuinely felt sorry for us.
The kids were fine that day, playing like not a care in the world. We had Thanksgiving Dinner (some of us very reluctantly) and even though I had a mild upset tummy, thought were in the clear.
NEVER THINK YOU ARE IN THE CLEAR.
K threw up again that night, but only once. Such a weird bug that we caught, I remember thinking. G seemed to be fine. Well, we woke up the next morning, Black Friday. We got lunch at Sonic, and on our way back to the hotel, in the RENTAL van, G starts puking. All over his clothes, and all over his car seat. Poor thing was just crying, "GET ME TO A TOILET. GET ME TO A REAL TOILET." He didn't want to throw up in the medium sized milk shake cup I was shoving under his jaw. It was RANK in that car. I had to wash his car seat cover in our bathtub.
Okay, so, how do you explain the car seat cover hanging in the bathtub, that smells like faded hotel shampoo and sonic vomit to the hotel housekeeping? You don't. You just leave a $50 on the pillow and pray she isn't too upset. You pray and you apologize profusely.
And that folks, is Thanksgiving 2015.
Another side note: We did have some GREAT family time and had some amazing memories made with our family, so don't be completely fooled, it did have silver lining in the visit! My sister in law is a gracious host and of course the kids had fun bonding and playing with their cousin!We flew into Raleigh, so it was a MUCH shorter drive than last time! My father in law didn't have his luggage lost! And Ryan and Jay didn't get the plague.
How do you even start a blog post after ONE ENTIRE YEAR!? I mean, K is two, G is four, how in the world can I fit in the last year to one post? Hmm...
(brb, going to refresh myself on what I last wrote. Also, side note, after the "RePhresh" commericals, I have to correct myself spelling the word "refresh" every single time. It's pathetic)
Okay, so, we left off with the Christmas vacation from almost hell. But, you guys, if I had ONLY known. If I had ONLY known, just how much worse it could have gotten... So, fast forward 11 months, it's now Thanksgiving of 2015. We planned, much earlier on, for another trip to North Carolina. We were prepared, it was going to be great! The timing wasn't the best, as my brother-in-law was still finishing up a field exercise and we weren't quite sure when he would be able come home to join us but alas, it was still just as nice to visit with his wife and of course play with cousin Alma! We got in later in the afternoon the first day and had time for a really quick visit to say hi and then retired to our rooms at the hotel. We all went to sleep, relatively well considering we have two toddlers that aren't the best sleepers. I woke up to K starting to cry and then the sound of choke/coughing/gagging. She was throwing up, everywhere. I have NEVER until this point in my motherhood experience had a puking child. Call it fate, call it whatever, but never have I had to deal with vomit or even diarrhea that wasn't in a diaper.
It was milky and it was chunky but most disgutingly it was all over the sheets, pillows and floor in a stuffy motel room that our entire family was sharing. It was horrible. K threw up once, I got her changed and bathed and she was seemingly fine? Fell right back to sleep like nothing happened. (my nose knew otherwise)
I felt so bad for the housekeeping, I tried to ball up the soiled linens and set them by the door. I gave lots of warnings in the morning. She was the sweetest lady and just wanted to make sure our baby felt better.
So, reluctantly we went over to our family's house and just kept an eye on her. I hated the idea of spreading germs, but at this point, we had all been in close proximity to her, and I wasn't about to fly across the US to be stuck in a hotel room (unless it was absolutely necessary of course). She was fine the rest of the day. Didn't eat much, but she tends to do that anyways. I thought it was the milk she had, (I mean, it is the south...) so I threw it away and bought another. We were completely fine the next night.
But then, the night after next, shit hit the fan. No, vomit hit it. It hit us all, all of except Ryan. G was puking, K was puking, I was puking. Poor G hasn't ever thrown up before, and he is old enough to want to know what the hell is happening to his body. He was a mess. Ryan was gagging at the smell, I wanted to die. K was happy go lucky until she was releasing the sour milk smelling vomit our of her mouth. There was crying from Gavin, "GET ME TO A TOILET, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME!!!!" There was running back and forth to the one and only CONNECTED bathroom that opens right up into the room was are all SLEEPING in. There was tears. There was gagging. There was the smell. I literally gagged remembering it just now.
We woke up the next morning like a train full of hobos hit our room. We smelled like a hobo. We looked like one. And at that point, I wish I was one. The kids, they were totally fine. It was like what had happened last night, that nightmare, was just that, a nightmare. Like it didn't even happen. But it did folks. It did.
I didn't even want to make eye contact at this point with anyone in the hotel, let alone the poor poor woman who was going to be cleaning our room that morning. I tried. I tried to contain the mess, but there is only so much you can do. I wanted to melt into a puke puddle myself and just flush myself down the toilet. But, we got the same housekeeper again, and either she is really good at faking it, or she genuinely felt sorry for us.
The kids were fine that day, playing like not a care in the world. We had Thanksgiving Dinner (some of us very reluctantly) and even though I had a mild upset tummy, thought were in the clear.
NEVER THINK YOU ARE IN THE CLEAR.
K threw up again that night, but only once. Such a weird bug that we caught, I remember thinking. G seemed to be fine. Well, we woke up the next morning, Black Friday. We got lunch at Sonic, and on our way back to the hotel, in the RENTAL van, G starts puking. All over his clothes, and all over his car seat. Poor thing was just crying, "GET ME TO A TOILET. GET ME TO A REAL TOILET." He didn't want to throw up in the medium sized milk shake cup I was shoving under his jaw. It was RANK in that car. I had to wash his car seat cover in our bathtub.
Okay, so, how do you explain the car seat cover hanging in the bathtub, that smells like faded hotel shampoo and sonic vomit to the hotel housekeeping? You don't. You just leave a $50 on the pillow and pray she isn't too upset. You pray and you apologize profusely.
And that folks, is Thanksgiving 2015.
Another side note: We did have some GREAT family time and had some amazing memories made with our family, so don't be completely fooled, it did have silver lining in the visit! My sister in law is a gracious host and of course the kids had fun bonding and playing with their cousin!We flew into Raleigh, so it was a MUCH shorter drive than last time! My father in law didn't have his luggage lost! And Ryan and Jay didn't get the plague.
Saturday, March 28, 2015
Pics first; post to come!
Seriously! Walking at 10 months is insane!!!
No fears for this little one. She knows what she is capable of and does it. I hope this continues on for the rest of her life. She'll stress me out but that's okay, she'll know!
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Christmas 2014
So, it's practically Valentine's Day and I am just now finally getting to posting about Christmas...
This year, with it being the anniversary of Kathy's passing as well as our first Christmas without her, we all decided it would be best to get Jay out of the house and for us to travel to North Carolina to visit Chris and his family. Unfortunately, it was booked last minute, and Kathy's son and his family weren't able to join us (we had our own Christmas celebration with them when we got home). Once we **FINALLY** decided we were going for sure (after two almosts and two maybes) we ended up paying for our tickets in virgin blood and body organs to be sold on the black market. Not really...but they were stupid expensive. We flew into Charlotte, and were under the impression that it was a relatively short drive to the Fayetteville area where we would be visiting. We had a later flight out of Spokane, and arrived in NC around midnight local time. We were waiting for our bags, and Jay's never showed up....Then, once we finally got to our rental car (a mini van, LOL) and the address put into the GPS we realized we had a THREE HOUR CAR ride ahead of us; plus it was extremely foggy. It was horrendous. We were all tired, all the verge of cranky. All I can say is that Ryan is a rockstar for driving on unfamiliar roads in the dark and fog and our kids were great thanks to lots of help from Jay. I was the co-pilot and using every ounce of energy to just stay awake. I think we pulled into the hotel parking lot around 4am.
Once we got to our hotel in Hope Mills, we crashed hard. We all woke up at 10am, and got over to see Chris, Amber and "baby" Alma. She has gotten so big, and is running around into everything. It was such a blessing to see how much she has grown since we saw her this past summer. We had a great visit. It was very low-key and we just stayed at their house and enjoyed watching the kids interact and play together. We opened a few gifts on Christmas morning and then were up early the next day to catch our flight home. Because it was such a last minute flight, and we had been traveling quite a bit prior (had we known we were going to NC we would have bagged a few of our other plans) we decided it would be best for the kids to just have a quick weekend type trip. We would have LOVED to stay and see the area a little more; as North Carolina is a very pretty state with a lot of history. But OH well!
Our flights home were relatively uneventful, except I left my camera on one flight. Thank the Lord I realized it right away and the plane was still there and one of the flight attendants had turned it in! We made it back home the day after Christmas around 10pm or so and we were all very exhausted.
Santa found our house finally, he had gotten lost and confused since we were gone in North Carolina. So that morning, Gavin found all his presents under the tree and was having a blast helping Kjerstin open hers. That afternoon, we had Christmas with my family. Gavin and Kjerstin had a blast with their uncles opening presents. Kjerstin's first Christmas was a whirlwind to say the least. And even though this very special holiday will always be bittersweet, at least it is around a time of year that is very joyous and we will be surrounded my our family and loved ones.
(Pictures to come!)
This year, with it being the anniversary of Kathy's passing as well as our first Christmas without her, we all decided it would be best to get Jay out of the house and for us to travel to North Carolina to visit Chris and his family. Unfortunately, it was booked last minute, and Kathy's son and his family weren't able to join us (we had our own Christmas celebration with them when we got home). Once we **FINALLY** decided we were going for sure (after two almosts and two maybes) we ended up paying for our tickets in virgin blood and body organs to be sold on the black market. Not really...but they were stupid expensive. We flew into Charlotte, and were under the impression that it was a relatively short drive to the Fayetteville area where we would be visiting. We had a later flight out of Spokane, and arrived in NC around midnight local time. We were waiting for our bags, and Jay's never showed up....Then, once we finally got to our rental car (a mini van, LOL) and the address put into the GPS we realized we had a THREE HOUR CAR ride ahead of us; plus it was extremely foggy. It was horrendous. We were all tired, all the verge of cranky. All I can say is that Ryan is a rockstar for driving on unfamiliar roads in the dark and fog and our kids were great thanks to lots of help from Jay. I was the co-pilot and using every ounce of energy to just stay awake. I think we pulled into the hotel parking lot around 4am.
Once we got to our hotel in Hope Mills, we crashed hard. We all woke up at 10am, and got over to see Chris, Amber and "baby" Alma. She has gotten so big, and is running around into everything. It was such a blessing to see how much she has grown since we saw her this past summer. We had a great visit. It was very low-key and we just stayed at their house and enjoyed watching the kids interact and play together. We opened a few gifts on Christmas morning and then were up early the next day to catch our flight home. Because it was such a last minute flight, and we had been traveling quite a bit prior (had we known we were going to NC we would have bagged a few of our other plans) we decided it would be best for the kids to just have a quick weekend type trip. We would have LOVED to stay and see the area a little more; as North Carolina is a very pretty state with a lot of history. But OH well!
Our flights home were relatively uneventful, except I left my camera on one flight. Thank the Lord I realized it right away and the plane was still there and one of the flight attendants had turned it in! We made it back home the day after Christmas around 10pm or so and we were all very exhausted.
Santa found our house finally, he had gotten lost and confused since we were gone in North Carolina. So that morning, Gavin found all his presents under the tree and was having a blast helping Kjerstin open hers. That afternoon, we had Christmas with my family. Gavin and Kjerstin had a blast with their uncles opening presents. Kjerstin's first Christmas was a whirlwind to say the least. And even though this very special holiday will always be bittersweet, at least it is around a time of year that is very joyous and we will be surrounded my our family and loved ones.
(Pictures to come!)
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Kjerstin 7-9 Months
So, Kjerstin was standing and cruising before she started crawling. She technically said mama first, but says dada now exclusively. I have Heard her say baba, mama, dada, nana, buu, and all sorts of fun baby sounds. She is SO cute. I mean, like those eyes, and she has such a sweet personality. But she is sneaky and stealthy. When she gets caught doing something naughty she stops and starts clapping to try and distract you from being mad. She puts her hands up to say "so big!"
Saturday, October 4, 2014
FAAAALLLLLLL
I am really tempted to just make a post that has the word "fall" written a thousand times and leave it at that. I am just so excited to be in a place finally that has a real fall. By that I mean, it isn't still 90 degrees, there are trees that actually have leaves that turn fall colors and it isn't raining constantly. It's pretty much one of the best things to happen to me.
So. Anyways....Moving on. Kjerstin is now 7 months, and she is already pulling herself up on shit?! WHAT THE HELL. Sorry for the swearing, but it is totally necessary. She went from sitting up to practically standing in a matter of minutes. Girl ain't got time for that. Gavin and I were playing on the floor in their bedroom, and I had K in the crib (set at the highest setting/newborn height) and all of a sudden I hear her "struggling" and look up and here she is about to pull herself over the damn crib! WTF. I couldn't believe it. (will post pic later). Because, yes, I did take a picture....
She seriously, is just an amazement. 100% energy all the time, she CONSTANTLY moving, and the wiggliest baby I have ever held in my life. She loves to be held, but she doesn't want that to hold her back from the action, and her pilates/yoga. So she does it while being held. It is a workout for me too. I think I have said it before, but she is the reason there are weird safety warnings on everything. She was able to untie the breathable crib bumpers. They were double knotted, and on the OUTSIDE of the crib. I just, can't even. I love her so much, but all I can say is, pray for me.
Kjerstin has the most beautiful eyes. I hope that they stay the same color, because now they are half green half blue. The insides of the iris are blue and the outside is green, they are gorgeous. And they are big, she has big eyes and long eyelashes. We are in for some trouble when she gets older. Her smile though is what gets you, she smiles with her entire face. I referred to it as like the grinch smile, not in a menacing way, but the way the cartoon slowly smiles and then it eventually involves his entire face, that is what she does. It is so cute.
The two kids and I got our flu shots yesterday, and it was really poor timing because we all have a little bit of a cold (Ryan included). I have had it for like 3 weeks, but I swear my symptoms change every day. I could tell Kjerstin didn't feel very good because she stayed still for over a minute and let me snuggle her. Gavin, the poor thing, is a snotty mess. But like with Kjerstin, it does involve extra snuggle time, so I am trying to remain positive. It is so trying being a parent when you feel like total crap. All Ryan and I want to do is sleep, more so than usual!
Speaking of which, I will finish this post later in an update, because I am going to bed!
So. Anyways....Moving on. Kjerstin is now 7 months, and she is already pulling herself up on shit?! WHAT THE HELL. Sorry for the swearing, but it is totally necessary. She went from sitting up to practically standing in a matter of minutes. Girl ain't got time for that. Gavin and I were playing on the floor in their bedroom, and I had K in the crib (set at the highest setting/newborn height) and all of a sudden I hear her "struggling" and look up and here she is about to pull herself over the damn crib! WTF. I couldn't believe it. (will post pic later). Because, yes, I did take a picture....
She seriously, is just an amazement. 100% energy all the time, she CONSTANTLY moving, and the wiggliest baby I have ever held in my life. She loves to be held, but she doesn't want that to hold her back from the action, and her pilates/yoga. So she does it while being held. It is a workout for me too. I think I have said it before, but she is the reason there are weird safety warnings on everything. She was able to untie the breathable crib bumpers. They were double knotted, and on the OUTSIDE of the crib. I just, can't even. I love her so much, but all I can say is, pray for me.
Kjerstin has the most beautiful eyes. I hope that they stay the same color, because now they are half green half blue. The insides of the iris are blue and the outside is green, they are gorgeous. And they are big, she has big eyes and long eyelashes. We are in for some trouble when she gets older. Her smile though is what gets you, she smiles with her entire face. I referred to it as like the grinch smile, not in a menacing way, but the way the cartoon slowly smiles and then it eventually involves his entire face, that is what she does. It is so cute.
The two kids and I got our flu shots yesterday, and it was really poor timing because we all have a little bit of a cold (Ryan included). I have had it for like 3 weeks, but I swear my symptoms change every day. I could tell Kjerstin didn't feel very good because she stayed still for over a minute and let me snuggle her. Gavin, the poor thing, is a snotty mess. But like with Kjerstin, it does involve extra snuggle time, so I am trying to remain positive. It is so trying being a parent when you feel like total crap. All Ryan and I want to do is sleep, more so than usual!
Speaking of which, I will finish this post later in an update, because I am going to bed!
Friday, August 29, 2014
Two rather large developments/announcements!
First one is we are finally "getting married!" Haha! Ryan and I obviously, never had our wedding and we finally decided that June 27, 2015 is going to be the day!!!! Now the fun part begins, all the planning!!!! I am going to be BUSY! I have the church, the reception area (community center) and photographer booked. So, I feel somewhat accomplished. Now its time to reign in all my Pinterest ideas, yikes.
The next exciting piece of news is that my mom has quit her job and is going to come work for us! She is going to "nanny" our kids part time. I am going to "go back to work" and by that I mean, I am going to start substitute teaching more at the school, do more photography gigs (hopefully) and then finally focus more on our farms bookkeeping. My mom has been looking at finding something new for a while and I know that eventually I will want to find a more stable possibly full-time job. The problem is that there is no child care centers here, and I don't trust my kids with just anyone. So when my mom was talking about looking else where, and I found out she was really serious about it, I jumped on the opportunity. We are all pretty excited about it, it really is the best for everyone!
The next exciting piece of news is that my mom has quit her job and is going to come work for us! She is going to "nanny" our kids part time. I am going to "go back to work" and by that I mean, I am going to start substitute teaching more at the school, do more photography gigs (hopefully) and then finally focus more on our farms bookkeeping. My mom has been looking at finding something new for a while and I know that eventually I will want to find a more stable possibly full-time job. The problem is that there is no child care centers here, and I don't trust my kids with just anyone. So when my mom was talking about looking else where, and I found out she was really serious about it, I jumped on the opportunity. We are all pretty excited about it, it really is the best for everyone!
Kjerstin 6months and other happenings!
I think the six month mark is the hardest to grasp at how fast the time flies. When you look at the six month clothing before the baby is born, you think, that is going to take a long time before he/she fits into that! That is half a year away....and then it just happens, bam, they are that size!
At six months, Kjerstin is SO freaking close to crawling. She has the "army" crawl down pretty well and uses that and rolling to get where and what she needs. She is a diva, a princess and a LIGHT sleeper. Uffda. I thought I was going to have it easy with her, but yeah, not so much. I was talking to Ryan today and I could come up with 3 nights that I know for sure that I have slept an entire night all the way through since BEFORE she was born. As you likely know from reading previous posts, pregnancy isn't easy for me and sleeping is definitely a huge factor in why it is so difficult. Probably from 20 weeks on or so, I haven't slept more that 3 consecutive hours (except those three nights) in over a year. I am exhausted. Yet, here I am, almost midnight, typing away. Anyways, I digress...Kjerstin so far is eating "solids" pretty well, she loves squash and sweet potatoes, wasn't a huge fan of prunes or peaches but they are pretty intense tastes. She has started "sleeping" and "napping" in her crib, which even though it isn't working out the best is a good move.
Gavin and Kjerstin share a bedroom, only due to the fact that the other fully functional bedroom is on the other side of the house and I am not keen on Gavin being that far away quite yet. Plus, it is nice to have a guest room (aka Gavin's office as he calls it). Well, since Kjerstin has been sleeping in with Gavin as well, both of their sleep has gone down hill a bit. This will be a learning curve for everyone. We'll see how long I last. I think the main thing is that it is hard to allow Kjerstin to cry and learn to self-soothe when I am worried about her waking Gavin up in the process.
Gavin is going great! He is just so smart. He uses full sentences and we can have full on conversations. He is understanding both his and other peoples emotions and that is fun to watch. He has been a much better eater as of late and loves the summer for all the fresh vegetables, specifically tomatoes. His newest craze is the movie Tarzan, and playing with his rather impressive train collection.
A little update on our puppy Odin...he spent the night at the vet last night due to some kind of bacterial infection. We aren't exactly sure how he contracted it but the poor thing was puking and not eating/drinking. The vet kept him overnight to pump him with fluids. Odin does not like the vet. He is the biggest scaredy cat I have EVER seen. He literally gets nervous and pees every time we go to the vet. It is quite the experience...I don't even want to know what it is going to be like in 2-3 weeks when I take him in to get fixed. Oye....But he is doing much better now and we were able to pick him up this morning and boy was he so happy to see us! Ryan and I both mentioned to each other that we had no idea how attached we were to him until he was gone and we were both so worried for him! I hated the thought of him being in a cage overnight all alone without his family! It kept me up all night just thinking about him.
At six months, Kjerstin is SO freaking close to crawling. She has the "army" crawl down pretty well and uses that and rolling to get where and what she needs. She is a diva, a princess and a LIGHT sleeper. Uffda. I thought I was going to have it easy with her, but yeah, not so much. I was talking to Ryan today and I could come up with 3 nights that I know for sure that I have slept an entire night all the way through since BEFORE she was born. As you likely know from reading previous posts, pregnancy isn't easy for me and sleeping is definitely a huge factor in why it is so difficult. Probably from 20 weeks on or so, I haven't slept more that 3 consecutive hours (except those three nights) in over a year. I am exhausted. Yet, here I am, almost midnight, typing away. Anyways, I digress...Kjerstin so far is eating "solids" pretty well, she loves squash and sweet potatoes, wasn't a huge fan of prunes or peaches but they are pretty intense tastes. She has started "sleeping" and "napping" in her crib, which even though it isn't working out the best is a good move.
Gavin and Kjerstin share a bedroom, only due to the fact that the other fully functional bedroom is on the other side of the house and I am not keen on Gavin being that far away quite yet. Plus, it is nice to have a guest room (aka Gavin's office as he calls it). Well, since Kjerstin has been sleeping in with Gavin as well, both of their sleep has gone down hill a bit. This will be a learning curve for everyone. We'll see how long I last. I think the main thing is that it is hard to allow Kjerstin to cry and learn to self-soothe when I am worried about her waking Gavin up in the process.
Gavin is going great! He is just so smart. He uses full sentences and we can have full on conversations. He is understanding both his and other peoples emotions and that is fun to watch. He has been a much better eater as of late and loves the summer for all the fresh vegetables, specifically tomatoes. His newest craze is the movie Tarzan, and playing with his rather impressive train collection.
A little update on our puppy Odin...he spent the night at the vet last night due to some kind of bacterial infection. We aren't exactly sure how he contracted it but the poor thing was puking and not eating/drinking. The vet kept him overnight to pump him with fluids. Odin does not like the vet. He is the biggest scaredy cat I have EVER seen. He literally gets nervous and pees every time we go to the vet. It is quite the experience...I don't even want to know what it is going to be like in 2-3 weeks when I take him in to get fixed. Oye....But he is doing much better now and we were able to pick him up this morning and boy was he so happy to see us! Ryan and I both mentioned to each other that we had no idea how attached we were to him until he was gone and we were both so worried for him! I hated the thought of him being in a cage overnight all alone without his family! It kept me up all night just thinking about him.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
So, here I am, a Mother on Mother's Day.
So, I've been slowly chipping away at this post since Mother's Day this year. For some reason, I just felt like I needed to write it, not for anyone really, but for me to read in the years to come, or to look back on when I wondered how I felt. It is personal, overly dramatic and selfish, and who knows, maybe something I shouldn't post, but f*ck it.
Every year around Mother's Day I get emotional thinking about my children and how drastically my life has changed since becoming a mother. You have no idea how your life is going to change. Not just once you see that positive sign on the pregnancy test, but when you hear their first cry after surgery or delivery. With each child, the feeling was the same but very different. With Gavin, I remember this overwhelming emotion, literally every single feeling you could possibly have all at once and it was intoxicating and almost suffocating at the same time; all I could do was cry, in fact I still do simply thinking about it. When Kjerstin was born, obviously the same amount of love and those emotions were there but there wasn't quite as much as the fear and the unknown, it was more...peaceful I guess would be the best way to describe it, and maybe more relief because I had just pushed her out, where as with Gavin I was strapped to a table (maybe that was the suffocating part). But that love that you feel, that feeling of without-a-blink-of-an-eye-or-second-thought-would-go-to-the-ends-of-the-world-to-make-your-child-happy feeling is like a high you get every time you look into their eyes.
Not only with Mother's Day coming, but just with being an exhausted stay at home mom, I have been thinking A LOT of what it is to be a mom for me right here and now. Some days I am ripping at the seams with love and happiness and other days I feel like Golum from Lord of the Rings and want to hiss at the daylight and hide away in my cave. I was trying to explain how I felt to Ryan the other day, and I just couldn't come up with the words to express how utterly frustrating it can me sometimes.
What you don't know, when you become a mom, is that you, as you remember yourself, and how you used to view yourself, and who you used to think you were, doesn't exist anymore. She is gone. And they don't tell you that sometimes that it feels like you, as a person, don't matter. They don't tell you that you forget you had hopes and dreams unrelated to your children, or your spouse. They don't tell you that it is lonely. You are building this family, this home and sometimes you feel completely alone. Sometimes, you feel trapped, and you know that your soul is in there somewhere screaming to be let free, but you can't. Sometimes you want to scream, "WHAT ABOUT ME?!" But then, you immediately feel guilty for even having had that thought. I know that it is easy to fall into those traps because that is where I find myself a lot in my current fork of the road in motherhood. One day I feel elated like I am right where I belong in life, and the next I feel like I have let myself down that I haven't done enough.
Everything you do revolves around everyone else but yourself. You wake up when the kids wake up, if not before to do things to prepare for them waking up, you cook/eat what they eat. You watch and play what they watch and play. You focus on what they need, what they are supposed to be learning. You worry. Oh you worry, about EVERYTHING. Are they healthy, are they smart, are they safe, are they breathing (newborn moms know) are they happy, are they normal, are they sad, are they hurt, are they...it goes on and on and on. The worry itself is exhausting enough to feel spent for the entire day, but that is just one sliver. It is so hard to find balance, to make any kind of time for yourself. And that is why I am here, at 12:01am when I am exhausted and should be sleeping.
Another really difficult part of becoming a mom is the transition from creating a miracle and feeling like "wonder woman" to being "just a mom." When you literally grow a human using nothing but your own body, you feel it growing and moving inside you, and then deliver this baby, this miracle, and witness its first breath, its first cry, everything else in the world seems insignificant, and minute. How can you ever have an appropriate perspective to anything anymore? It's hard to relate after that. It's hard to relate to anyone who doesn't have children, not because you are all of a sudden "better" than them, or because you do not want to, but because you struggle to find anything in common anymore. Everything changes.
So, this post is depressing, and that's okay. And maybe that's why I didn't post this on Mother's Day; but it is a part of motherhood that does deserve to be acknowledged. Maybe on the days when I am feeling digustingly elated and full of love, I will write about how amazing it is and I can express to the world how bipolar I feel when it comes to parenting.
Every year around Mother's Day I get emotional thinking about my children and how drastically my life has changed since becoming a mother. You have no idea how your life is going to change. Not just once you see that positive sign on the pregnancy test, but when you hear their first cry after surgery or delivery. With each child, the feeling was the same but very different. With Gavin, I remember this overwhelming emotion, literally every single feeling you could possibly have all at once and it was intoxicating and almost suffocating at the same time; all I could do was cry, in fact I still do simply thinking about it. When Kjerstin was born, obviously the same amount of love and those emotions were there but there wasn't quite as much as the fear and the unknown, it was more...peaceful I guess would be the best way to describe it, and maybe more relief because I had just pushed her out, where as with Gavin I was strapped to a table (maybe that was the suffocating part). But that love that you feel, that feeling of without-a-blink-of-an-eye-or-second-thought-would-go-to-the-ends-of-the-world-to-make-your-child-happy feeling is like a high you get every time you look into their eyes.
Not only with Mother's Day coming, but just with being an exhausted stay at home mom, I have been thinking A LOT of what it is to be a mom for me right here and now. Some days I am ripping at the seams with love and happiness and other days I feel like Golum from Lord of the Rings and want to hiss at the daylight and hide away in my cave. I was trying to explain how I felt to Ryan the other day, and I just couldn't come up with the words to express how utterly frustrating it can me sometimes.
What you don't know, when you become a mom, is that you, as you remember yourself, and how you used to view yourself, and who you used to think you were, doesn't exist anymore. She is gone. And they don't tell you that sometimes that it feels like you, as a person, don't matter. They don't tell you that you forget you had hopes and dreams unrelated to your children, or your spouse. They don't tell you that it is lonely. You are building this family, this home and sometimes you feel completely alone. Sometimes, you feel trapped, and you know that your soul is in there somewhere screaming to be let free, but you can't. Sometimes you want to scream, "WHAT ABOUT ME?!" But then, you immediately feel guilty for even having had that thought. I know that it is easy to fall into those traps because that is where I find myself a lot in my current fork of the road in motherhood. One day I feel elated like I am right where I belong in life, and the next I feel like I have let myself down that I haven't done enough.
Everything you do revolves around everyone else but yourself. You wake up when the kids wake up, if not before to do things to prepare for them waking up, you cook/eat what they eat. You watch and play what they watch and play. You focus on what they need, what they are supposed to be learning. You worry. Oh you worry, about EVERYTHING. Are they healthy, are they smart, are they safe, are they breathing (newborn moms know) are they happy, are they normal, are they sad, are they hurt, are they...it goes on and on and on. The worry itself is exhausting enough to feel spent for the entire day, but that is just one sliver. It is so hard to find balance, to make any kind of time for yourself. And that is why I am here, at 12:01am when I am exhausted and should be sleeping.
Another really difficult part of becoming a mom is the transition from creating a miracle and feeling like "wonder woman" to being "just a mom." When you literally grow a human using nothing but your own body, you feel it growing and moving inside you, and then deliver this baby, this miracle, and witness its first breath, its first cry, everything else in the world seems insignificant, and minute. How can you ever have an appropriate perspective to anything anymore? It's hard to relate after that. It's hard to relate to anyone who doesn't have children, not because you are all of a sudden "better" than them, or because you do not want to, but because you struggle to find anything in common anymore. Everything changes.
So, this post is depressing, and that's okay. And maybe that's why I didn't post this on Mother's Day; but it is a part of motherhood that does deserve to be acknowledged. Maybe on the days when I am feeling digustingly elated and full of love, I will write about how amazing it is and I can express to the world how bipolar I feel when it comes to parenting.
Monday, July 21, 2014
Kjerstin is 5 months today!
It is simply amazing to me how fast the time flies for your second child. I cannot even believe she is 5 months old already! It feels like she should still be 8 weeks, haha!!
Kjerstin's first time at the river.
This picture cracks me up. Gavin looks crazy.
Loves eating her toes!
This little girl is going to keep me on my toes. She is rolling all over the place and I think she will skip crawling all together and go straight to walking. She has zero pleasure in being on her tummy, but the second she gets placed on her back she rolls over to her tummy? Then fusses? Why!? Haha!!!
Kjerstin LOVES her brother, all he has to do is talk to her and she is all giggles. He gets her to laugh more than anyone else, I love it. She looks at him like he is the greatest person in the world, I didn't even know you could look at someone with so much love and adoration, it melts my heart!!! He loves her too, he is always concerned about her and loves to give her kisses. He also loves it when she can watch him play, "Sissy, too?" he asks!
Poor Odin is getting the balls chopped off tomorrow, happy 5 month birthday to him! Hahaha. Poor baby. He is getting HUGE. I am curious as to how much he weighs, I am getting 60lbs maybe? More? He has such a pleasant disposition, such a lover he is. He loves to cuddle and is the clumsiest dog I have ever ever met. Bless him. Hahaha.
We started harvest last Thursday, so Ryan and Papa Tractor are very busy, and I might end up driving the combine a few days a week. Should be interesting ;)
Month 4, and much more!
Kjerstin is four, nearly five months old! Wowza. She is rolling all over the place and LOVES her brother. Everything he does is highlarious to her. He can get her giggling more than anyone! She follows him with her eyes whenever he is around her. It makes my heart happy.
Kjerstin loves sleeping in (hmm, shindig she get that from???), hates tummy time, but rolls onto her tummy as soon as she is placed on her back, loves her brother, hangs on every word of her daddy, and prefers to be held and cuddled by mama.
Gavin is growing up so much. His personality is really getting to be his own and he is so funny. He comes up with the most random stuff. One day he came in from checking our irrigation circles with Ryan and said, "I just work and play hard,
Mom." Hahaha, okay then. He loves to play with other kids and is getting really good at interacting with them (appropriately). His memory is mind blowing. He knows what directions are what in the car and where we turn means where we are going, for example if I turn left at a certain intersection he knows we are going to nana and papa's. Funny kid.
Ryan and I are keeping very busy! We have had every weekend full with random trips, projects or get togethers. It's been so great to be back home to be able to get together with family more often and spend time with our friends who we haven't been able to get together with consistently in years.
Here are some photos from the past month or so!
Photo dump...more to come!
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Tot School...Am I becoming one of THOSE parents??
So, there are obviously many ups and many downs for my kids being able to have a stay at home parent. As Gavin is getting into the toddler years and soon, *weep* into the preschool age I am getting more and more concerned with his social and brain/skills development. He gets a lot of 1:1 time with me and our family which is great, but he also doesn't have as much of a structure that he might get from a pre pre k daycare or Montessori type school. Ryan and I are both firm and united on the fact that kids should be kids as long as possible. I do not want Gavin to grow up and faster than he already is, but at the same time I do not want him to get behind, or not even that but not live up to his full potential. This is why I have been working on his at home "Tot School" program thingy.
I have been doing a ton of research on homeschool programs, Christian school programs, kindergarten requirements and pre school curriculums and have been having fun customizing it to meet our needs. I am in no way finished, still very much in the beginning stages of this but I figure it will satisfy my needs for a goal and organization and Gavin's yearn for learning in a way that is loosely structured but disguised as play and fun.
I'm excited to share what I come up with! And most importantly if I actually feel like it is working :) More to come!
Monday, June 16, 2014
Three month update and family happenings...
These past few months have seemed to both drag and fly by. On one hand, it feels like Kjerstin has been here forever and on the other I cannot believe she is already three (now almost four) months old. She is still a really good baby, but man oh man has she been releasing her diva side. She is a Mama's Girl to the extreme. I am usually the only one that can get her to sleep, and I have to hold her a certain, way, on her right side, at a particular angle swaying a particular direction all while bouncing and patting her butt. It is a process. Seriously. Princess.
She is happy 99% of the time, but that 1% is insanity. She goes from 0-100 with absolutely no warning.
I've been super busy, I "designed" the t-shirts for our Vacation Bible School this year, and then I am helping out with our library's summer reading program (which starts next week). We are planning a trip over to the Seattle area as well which I am REALLY looking forward to. I enjoy living in the country (mostly) but I am itching to get back in the city for a bit.
There has been some kind of illness floating around town and unfortunately we got it. It started with me, and I just had a terrible headache and fatigue. I thought it was just a migraine until Ryan got sick with a headache and sinus like pressure and then I noticed Gavin wasn't feeling well yesterday and today he was really under the weather (he sat still for six hrs. that has never happened, ever). He was running a low grade fever this evening and it just breaks my heart when they get sick :( Poor guy!
Father's Day 2014
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)